{"id":38268,"date":"2024-11-19T01:38:05","date_gmt":"2024-11-19T01:38:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/isafespend.com\/?p=38268"},"modified":"2024-11-19T01:38:06","modified_gmt":"2024-11-19T01:38:06","slug":"making-friends-after-retirement-according-to-dr-ruth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/isafespend.com\/?p=38268","title":{"rendered":"Making Friends After Retirement, According To Dr. Ruth"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

After retirement, people have self-reported that they miss the people more than the position or money. Not only are they more limited in social interaction, but as we get older our circle of friends naturally shrinks because of deaths, moves, or lack of effort. In this Forbes article, I describe the loneliness epidemic and the important benefits of making friends as grown-ups after retirement.<\/p>\n

Dr. Ruth Westheimer is one of my role models. I was fortunate to hear her speak twice and actually got to personally meet her backstage. Dr. Ruth was writing until the end of her life in July 2024 which kept her engaged, relevant, and curious. Her last book, \u201cThe Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life,\u201d focused on loneliness. It reveals how Dr. Ruth \u2013 most known for her work in sex education \u2013 lived through extraordinary challenges and still forged community and connection during her life.<\/p>\n

An orphan of the Holocaust, Dr. Ruth lost her whole family at the age of 10. For this reason, Dr. Ruth worked at creating connections and \u201cfinding a new family.\u201d A year before Dr. Ruth Westheimer died, she suggested to Governor Kathy Hochul of New York that she could serve as the state\u2019s first \u201cloneliness ambassador,\u201d and the Governor accepted her offer. Dr. Ruth personally experienced the isolating impact of lockdowns during the coronavirus pandemic.<\/p>\n

In \u201cThe Joy of Connections,\u201d Dr. Ruth points out the overlap in her work focusing on sexuality and addressing loneliness: \u201cNobody is excited to admit they\u2019re having difficulty in the bedroom. Nobody is thrilled to confess they have too few reliable friends. Shame is the thread that connects them both, and shame is what I\u2019ve always tried to help people overcome.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/fbs-ad><\/p>\n

In this book, Dr. Ruth created a framework called her menu for connection\u2014designed as pieces of a pie. It consists of family, friends and lovers, community, technology. The largest pie piece is self. She points out that we need to know ourself\u2014our thoughts, feelings, and actions\u2014in order to have healthy connections with others.<\/p>\n

In the \u201cJoy of Connections,\u201d Dr. Ruth shares 100 ways to address loneliness. Catherine Pearson, in a recent New York Times article, outlined five of the more interesting ways Dr. Ruth advocates to feel more connected that can be easily implemented.<\/p>\n

Be A Turtle<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dr. Ruth described how her apartment was filled with hundreds of miniature turtles \u2014 most gifts from family or friends. Turtles weren\u2019t just her favorite animal; they were a favorite metaphor to remind her of the courage it takes to make connections. To live a full and connected life, you\u2019ve got to stick your neck out. \u201cA turtle can\u2019t hunt for food, bask in the sun, or find a mate if it plays it safe forever,\u201d she wrote. \u201cTurtles must take risks in order to live.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lose Count<\/strong><\/p>\n

Friendships undeniably take work to nurture and maintain, and it\u2019s not uncommon in a group of friends or relatives for some people to take (or perceive themselves to take) more initiative and do more logistical, financial, and\/or emotional work than others. It\u2019s human to start keeping an invisible score (\u201cit\u2019s always me reaching out,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m always the one who has to\u2026\u201d \u201cthey never\u2026\u201d), but it can be a source of tension and even lead to estrangement among friends and relatives.<\/p>\n

Dr. Ruth argues that the best way to maintain connections is to practice losing count. For instance, when Dr. Ruth was a single mother with no money for a babysitter, she still had a strong desire to keep in touch with friends, so she started hosting parties. Notably, she hosted and organized these parties without expectations. Even though she was the one who usually initiated plans, she was not resentful and did not keep score. For her, hosting made her feel less isolated, and she didn\u2019t care if people reciprocated.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour payback isn\u2019t a future dinner at your relative\u2019s house,\u201d she explains. \u201cYour payback is having the opportunity to strengthen your connections right now on your own timetable.\u201d<\/p>\n

Broaden Your \u201cFriendcabulary<\/strong>\u201d<\/h2>\n

Dr. Ruth believed it was important to pursue all kinds of connections. Work friends. Friends of friends. Casual friends. Research shows weak ties can help boost well-being. She was adamant about not discounting anyone because of gender, age or sexual orientation. Her advice was also to surround yourself with \u201cpeople who are fully invested in living. Avoid people who whine all the time. They won\u2019t lift you up, and they certainly won\u2019t expand your world in the way you\u2019re hoping for.\u201d<\/p>\n

Make Your Town Smaller<\/strong><\/p>\n

According to Dr. Ruth, \u201cYour first order of business is to develop a smaller community within whatever larger communities are easiest for you to access.\u201d She found living in New York City to be a lonely place, so she intentionally set out to make her city smaller. She joined organizations and neighborhood groups. She attended countless meetings and social gatherings. As a result, she felt connected and that she belonged. She knew she would be missed if she stopped showing up.<\/p>\n

Invest In Building Connections<\/strong><\/p>\n

We live in a busy world of daily life demands and to-do lists. Yet, we are drowning in information while yearning for connection, belonging, and being in relationships. When we invest the time and effort into being a more generous friend, we will reap dividends. Get out of your comfort zone. Connection is protection. Find the joy in connections.<\/p>\n

As Dr. Ruth emphasizes, \u201cIf your goal is to feel a sense of belonging, then you must take steps to belong.\u201d Some of her tips include: make yourself more friendly, cast a wider net, and grow independently.<\/p>\n

I met an Uber driver who has a regular older passenger\u2014who doesn\u2019t actually need to go anywhere! But after her husband (and best friend) passed away, she started taking a 20\u201330-minute rideshare once a week. By doing so, it gives her a chance to talk to different people in a low-stakes, contained environment. The driver said that it\u2019s resulted in her connecting with people of all ages and backgrounds, and she often ends up exchanging numbers and arranging coffee with people by the end of the ride. This technique won\u2019t work for everyone, of course, but it\u2019s a great example of thinking outside the box and putting yourself out there for connections to happen naturally.<\/p>\n

While we often find it easier to relate to people our own age, we can learn a lot from people younger than us. One last piece of Dr. Ruth\u2019s advice resonated strongly with me, \u201cBe on the lookout for cross-generational opportunities. They invite the sharing of experiences, wisdom, and perspectives.\u201d Take the initiative. Be creative. Stay curious. Start now.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Read the full article here<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After retirement, people have self-reported that they miss the people more than the position or money. Not only are they more limited in social interaction, but as we get older our circle of friends naturally shrinks because of deaths, moves, or lack of effort. In this Forbes article, I describe the loneliness epidemic and the<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":38269,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[55],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-38268","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-retirement"},"yoast_head":"\nMaking Friends After Retirement, According To Dr. Ruth | iSafeSpend<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"After retirement, people have self-reported that they miss the people more than the position or money. 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