{"id":46533,"date":"2025-11-30T12:26:03","date_gmt":"2025-11-30T12:26:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/isafespend.com\/?p=46533"},"modified":"2025-11-30T12:26:04","modified_gmt":"2025-11-30T12:26:04","slug":"finding-a-grittier-gratitude-in-the-midst-of-suffering","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/isafespend.com\/?p=46533","title":{"rendered":"Finding A Grittier Gratitude In The Midst Of Suffering"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Meeting with friends for lunch this week, I had the pleasure of hearing them reflect on their lives, their marriage, their children (and grandchildren), their work (nearing retirement), and their financial situation (which is likely better than they\u2019d ever imagined). Theirs was not a superficial, passing gratitude that was expressed, but a deeper, hard-earned sense of contentment and enduring ease that they\u2019re carrying into the Thanksgiving weekend.<\/p>\n

Having spent the entirety of my career in wealth management, predominantly serving those whose financial circumstances range from very good to very very good, I can assure you that this isn\u2019t necessarily the norm. Indeed, gratitude can be just as elusive for those who have \u201cwon the game\u201d financially as it can be present for those whose stories are marked by tragedy or loss, either visible or obscured.<\/p>\n

And I\u2019m reminded that of all the factors that we, as humans, have in common, chief among them may be that some degree of pain or loss is the most universal of all connectors. Without this acknowledgement, however, it seems to render the more fleeting mentions of thanks this time of year as hollow platitudes, doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

So, what does a grittier version of gratitude look like? And is it possible that genuine thankfulness is something that persists not just in spite of our hardships, but because of them?<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s consider this from a scientific, philosophical, spiritual, and practical perspective and see what we find. <\/p>\n

Creating A Psychological Immune System<\/h2>\n

For starters, Robert Emmons\u2019 at UC Davis conducted a 21-day gratitude intervention with participants who were all suffering from chronic neuromuscular disease. Despite not experiencing any improvement in their physical circumstances, the intervention resulted in greater high-energy positive moods, feeling more connected to others, better sleep, and more optimistic life ratings. And yes, those with the chronic condition who embraced the intervention ended up reporting even higher levels of gratitude than the control group who suffered from no such condition.<\/p>\n

The key insight from Emmons\u2019 research is that the practice <\/em>of gratitude builds a sort of psychological immune system, even before we need it, to cushion us when we inevitably fall. <\/p>\n

Viktor Frankl\u2019s \u201cTragic Optimism\u201d<\/h2>\n

Psychotherapist, Holocaust survivor, and author of Man\u2019s Search For Meaning<\/em>, Viktor Frankl, takes it a step further, suggesting that pain, itself, might be the path to greater gratitude. Frankl references the \u201ctragic triad\u201d\u2014pain, guilt, and death\u2014that certainly can and do create ready anchors for a vicious spiral into pessimism and depression, but that can also be the catalysts for personal growth when met with courage and purpose.<\/p>\n

While Frankl doesn\u2019t recommend seeking out suffering, he believed that unavoidable suffering could be the most productive path to a meaningful life, because only suffering forces us to change ourselves and our attitude toward our situation. <\/p>\n

\u201cI speak of a tragic optimism,\u201d Frankl wrote, \u201can optimism in the face of tragedy and in view of the human potential which at its best always allows for: (1) turning suffering into a human achievement and accomplishment; (2) deriving from guilt the opportunity to change oneself for the better; and (3) deriving from life\u2019s transitoriness an incentive to take responsible action.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Frankl\u2019s words have always struck me as particularly potent because they\u2019d be so much harder to accept if he hadn\u2019t written them from a German concentration camp during World War II, after losing everything, including his family.<\/p>\n

This Isn\u2019t \u201cToxic Positivity\u201d<\/h2>\n

I hope you see that this is not the paper-thin gratitude born of Instagram affirmations, and indeed, there is such a thing as \u201ctoxic positivity.\u201d Paul Wong, a research psychologist considered to be one of the leading authorities on Viktor Fankl\u2019s logotherapy, explains:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe direct pursuit of happiness-enhancing activities as the final life goal may be counter-productive. It may lead to toxic positivity\u2026furthermore, unexpected things happen, and fate intrudes. Numerous unexpected undesirable events, such as life-threatening sickness, accidents, death of a loved one, or the pandemic, can derail even the best evidence-based plans for happiness and success.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But he continues, \u201cTrue positivity is to discover the moon and stars in the darkest night.\u201d Wong concludes that \u201cfor optimism to be stable, it needs to confront the negative reality\u2026Such mental toughness better prepares one for the battles ahead than the false expectation that life is like a cakewalk or a joyride in Disneyland.\u201d<\/p>\n

This isn’t a new insight. Ancient wisdom traditions arrived at the same conclusion centuries ago.<\/p>\n

Anticipating And Redeeming Suffering<\/h2>\n

The Stoic philosophy, premeditatio malorum<\/em>, actually suggests that we should pre-meditate the evils that may befall us. Author Ryan Holiday says: <\/p>\n

\u201cThe Stoic doesn\u2019t see this act of negative visualization as pessimistic, but simply a feature of their self-confident optimism: I\u2019m ready to face anything that happens and I\u2019m also ready to do the work necessary now to ensure I don\u2019t waste energy on problems that could have been solved in advance.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Meanwhile, the Christian tradition has long held central the notion of redemptive suffering. \u201cA carefully cultivated heart will, assisted by the grace of God, foresee, forestall, or transform most of the painful situations before which others stand like helpless children saying \u2018Why?\u2019 wrote the late Professor Emeritus of Philosophy at USC, Dallas Willard. And the ever-quotable C.S. Lewis, in his book, The Problem of Pain, insists:<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

A Personal Pain<\/h2>\n

Candidly, sometimes I wish He would keep it down a little with the shouting. You see, I\u2019ve been suffering from chronic migraines\u2014roughly 50% of the days of the month, sometimes more\u2014for about 30 years now. I\u2019ve seen at least eight different neurologists and been stuffed with scores of competing medications. I\u2019ve undertaken numerous surgical procedures, experimented with several alternative medical techniques, submitted to numerous psychological exercises, and undertaken multiple rounds of healing prayer. I\u2019ve taken steps most would consider drastic with my sleep, diet, and exercise, all to be sure I\u2019m doing everything I can to rid myself of that which plagues me personally. <\/p>\n

I\u2019d be lying if I said it didn\u2019t get me down. But I\u2019m also happier than I\u2019ve ever been. I feel close to my Creator, have a spouse I adore and children who make me proud, and I get to do meaningful work every, single day. <\/p>\n

My personal pain reminds me of the challenges that I know accompany everyone, including you, whatever your thing, or things, are. It reminds me that I\u2019m not alone in my suffering, and that pain may be the<\/em> universal human connector. And yes, it is precisely within the framing of my personal pain that my blessings are seen in the sharpest contrast. <\/p>\n

I\u2019m not just optimistic; I\u2019m a practiced, if not weathered, optimist. I\u2019m not just grateful; I have an enduring gratitude made grittier not just in spite of my challenges and travails, but because of them. And I wish the same for you this Thanksgiving.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Read the full article here<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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