Common deal breakers in dating are typically tied to opinions on getting married and having children. But a recent survey has found a new red flag: not going to therapy.
Dating app Pure polled 1,000 Americans aged 18 or over of various sexualities, ethnic and social backgrounds in September. It found that most people are looking for partners who have either seen a mental health professional in the past or are currently seeing one now.
Fully 92% of those polled said they prefer to date people who’ve been to therapy, the September survey found.
Seven in 10 singles are comfortable discussing mental health with someone new, Pure found, while 50% responded that it is attractive if therapy is brought up in conversation during a first date.
“For many, the urge to date someone who has been in therapy is a result of their past experiences. Some 23% absolutely believe that those who have are less likely to engage in weird or unpleasant behaviors, such as ghosting,” Pure wrote in an article about the findings.
“Therapy provides us with the tools to talk through our problems and makes us more attuned to our emotions (and, subsequently, those of others).”
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Psychotherapist Esther Perel sees pros and cons to this new reality. In a June interview with Vanity Fair, she explained how the shift to more transparency about emotional health and the benefits of counseling have created a space where more people can develop greater self-awareness and prioritize self-reflection.
“There is something about bringing more clarity and understanding to things that people have struggled with forever, and often in isolation,” Perel said.
At the same time, some people might hide behind “therapy speak” or use it to push others away, she added.
She gave an example of what that can look like. “I don’t like what you do, so I say you’re gaslighting me,” Perel said. “You have a different opinion, and I bring in a term that makes it impossible for you to even enter into a conversation with me. Labeling enables me to not have to deal with you.”
That is to say, while some people get useful insight and assistance out of working with a mental health professional, other people may just get buzzwords.
For that and other reasons, stay open to a good partner who hasn’t been in counseling, Pure suggests in a write-up on its website. And don’t feel like you’re a walking red flag just because you haven’t been evaluated.
“If you’ve never felt the need for therapy, you’re not ready, or it’s simply not for you,” Pure notes, “your romantic prospects are probably just fine.”
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