The power dynamic in families can be highly problematic as a parent ages. Often, one adult child has authority over decisions about the aging parent. Things can go wrong when that power is misused.
When siblings disagree over the actions one sibling takes, things can escalate quickly. When the aging parent legally appointed one person to be the agent under a healthcare directive as well as the agent holding power over finances that person has total legal authority, with those legal documents in place. Both of these appointments, if properly done, can leave other family members feeling shut out. They may feel helpless when the one in authority will not hear anyone else’s input. The one in authority can prohibit contact by any family member with the elder, despite the fact that there is no legally permissible reason for doing so. The healthcare directive, for example, allows the appointed agent to exercise control in a care home, such as assisted living. The directors in those facilities are bound to follow the direction of the appointed authoritative sibling or other. It’s in writing and they have no choice.
The Ultimate Power
Here at AgingParents.com, we have seen this sort of conflict on numerous occasions. Usually, the one whom the aging parent appointed with all that authority is also in a position of power outside the family. They may be a business owner, a physician or other healthcare professional, a financial manager or anything in which they are used to telling others how things are supposed to be. With their legal authority over the parent in the documents, they follow a pattern in the family, perhaps over their lifetimes, in attempting to control other siblings who may be less educated, less financially successful or less assertive.
When the aging parent is cognitively impaired and unable to speak for himself, the control over him by the appointed adult child can seem impenetrable.
What Can Siblings Do When The Authoritative One Shuts Them Out?
Is There A Reason?
The first step is to assess the circumstances. Why is the sibling blocking visits? It can be for misinterpreted beliefs that someone is going to somehow take advantage of the frail elder. It can be purely a control issue. It can be so that no one will observe financial elder abuse the controlling person is doing, taking money with “permission” from the vulnerable parent. In cases we have seen, the controlling sibling was mentally unwell, unproductive at their work because of it, and still using the license or other authority to convince care facilities that they knew best. In those cases, it was the controlling sibling herself who wanted to manipulate the aging parent to do her bidding. In another case, the sibling in control did not want anyone to see that he was pressuring the elder to sign new legal documents cutting out his siblings and arranging it so that he alone would receive the inheritance.
Legal Authority
It’s crucial to understand the scope of the sibling’s legal powers. Healthcare agents and financial power of attorney holders have specific roles defined by state law and the documents appointing them. Neither position typically grants authority to block family visits unless a court order explicitly says otherwise. Generally, it is policy that people have a right to visit any family member wherever they are. The reasons a court would restrict visitation would include a past and provable history of elder abuse or neglect. Absent such proof of abuse, a court would have no reason to uphold the plan to block family from seeing a loved one. In some instances, it takes a court order to stop the offending person from blocking visits from the elder’s other adult children and/or grandchildren. Getting a court order is an investment. One must hire the right kind of lawyer to get such an order and there is a cost to that choice.
Options for Families
Mediation
Family members who have been blocked from visitation without legal authority of a court order can seek a professional mediator to work with the family in the interest of working things out. Compromise is the typical object of mediation. It can work and has been a successful option (see video) in many kinds of conflicts, including family fights. However, it has been our observation at AgingParents.com, where we consult as well as mediate family conflicts, that anyone abusing the elder under cover of their duly appointed legal authority is not interested in mediation. They want to act in secret so that other family members will not see that the elder was pressured into signing something like a will, a trust, or deed to a property. When it is offered, the abusive, secretive sibling declines to participate in meeting with other siblings. In other instances, mediation brings underlying old conflicts to the surface and it can facilitate resolution of the intra-family disagreements relating to aging parents.
Seek Legal Advice
If the sibling in control continues to block family visits without legal grounds, consulting an attorney is essential. An experienced elder law attorney who understands litigation can:
- Review the healthcare directive and power of attorney documents to confirm the sibling’s authority limits if any. They can advise about any available legal options to stop the restrictions imposed on other family members.
- Seek restraining orders or removal of the controlling sibling from authority.
Evidence of what has occurred prior to that point is necessary so that the siblings’ attorney has something to work with on proof of the need to grant the request.
How To Document What A Lawyer Needs
Keeping detailed records of interactions, denied visit attempts, and communications with the sibling is crucial. Documentation can become evidence the lawyer needs to get a request granted by a judge. Family members who want to stop the controlling sibling misusing power must:
- Note dates, times, and specifics of denied visits.
- Save emails, texts, or letters from the controlling sibling that outline their position.
- Record conversations with assisted living staff regarding the situation.
- If anyone blocked tries to visit and the controlling sibling calls the police (this has happened!), get a copy of the police report.
Support Each Other
For siblings living at a distance, it’s essential to unite as a team. Working together demonstrates collective concern for your aging parent’s well-being and presents a stronger case if legal efforts are required. Advocating for your rights to visitation and your aging parent’s rights to receive visits is best done together when possible. If you are alone with no other sibling to help you fight this problem, ask any other empathic relative or friend to accompany you in an effort to visit the aging parent. That person becomes a witness. If they accompany the blocked sibling who tries to visit, they can record all that happens on video. This also becomes evidence an attorney can use.
The Takeaways
Navigating family conflicts over an aging parent’s care is rarely easy. However, understanding and pursuing legal options, fostering communication, and seeking professional mediation can provide pathways to resolution. The well-being of your parent should remain at the heart of every decision.
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