With the U.S. divorce rate at about half of all marriages, blended families are a part of society’s landscape. Many divorced parents do remarry and have to contend with working out the complexities of relationships among their children. Some siblings come from a prior marriage of one parent, others from the other parent’s past. Some are the product of the second or third marriage. It gets complicated.
What we see at AgingParents.com, where we consult with families, is that any underlying conflicts seem to surface when one or both parents age and need care. And these conflicts can be explosive after a parent or step-parent passes. Jealousy can rear its ugly head. And sad injustice can come out of it. Here’s one real life example:
Unfairness To The Caregiving Sibling
Faithful Step-Daughter (FS) loved her step-dad who had always treated her with kindness and love. He was widowed and lived alone. As his health deteriorated, he needed care, part time at first and then full time as he grew more frail. FS quit her job, moved in to be the caregiver and dad was happy with this. Theirs was a good relationship to the end. He had dementia and needed a lot of help.
FS had two step-sisters, from dad’s first marriage. All got along well. FS lived closer to her dad and she assumed the role of primary caregiver. The sisters accepted this and did not question her, seemingly appreciative of her considerable work caring for their father. They participated very little in caregiving, leaving the responsibility to FS. There were no written agreements about caregiving. FS received support from dad in exchange for her work, as she did live with him, but no formal salary.
The Conflict
After dad passed, the truth of how the step-sisters veiwed FS surfaced. He had left most of his estate to his daughters by his first marriage. FS did not receive anything close to a proportionate share. Step-sisters decided to sell dad’s home soon after he passed. They gave FS thirty days to move out, once the home was listed for sale. She had nowhere to go and did not have money to buy a place for herself. Unfair? Certainly! Were the step-sisters motivated by greed? That is unclear but something motivated them to ignore the work FS had done in making their dad’s last two years safe and peaceful in his own home. FS thought they were jealous of her close relationship with their dad and this was their way of saying so. They would have had a choice to make things right for FS but did nothing. FS was crushed and terrified. Eventually she got a job as a paid caregiver, but she never had any financial security after that.
Could This Unfair Result Have Been Prevented?
We believe it could have been prevented by careful planning and legal documents. One thing FS needed to do at the outset, before quitting her job, was to ask dad to accommodate her with a gift in his estate plan, at least, or a written contract for her services, spelling out a fair payment plan. FS did not think about her future. Dad did not think about her future either. To be sure, the ask would have been uncomfortable but nothing like the uncomfortable realization that FS would potentially be left with so little after her caregiving role ended. As her step dad’s dementia progressed, it was too late to ask him to make any consideration for her in his will and trust.
Facing What We Don’t Want To Face
It is not just in blended families that we see conflicts about the sacrifices caregivers make for aging parents. But conflicts can be worsened when underlying emotions, never verbalized, emerge after the caregiving ends. For anyone who takes on the role of caregiver, particularly if you must quit a paid job to do this, be sure you are not blinded by your own loving sense of duty. The cost of paid caregiving is substantial and rising.
According to the most recent Genworth Cost of Care Survey, the national annual median cost in 2024 for a full-time in-home caregiver was $77, 792. Doing the job for free is fine if you can afford it and you have a secure future afterwards. If not, it is best to communicate the value of what you propose doing to all concerned. Make a fair arrangement for yourself.
Family Meetings
What FS could have done before assuming the substantial role she planned to undertake was to speak to her step-dad privately about a plan for her as well as for him. Once that was agreed upon, dad could have called a family meeting to let everyone know what he wanted to do. That would likely have prevented the shock FS experienced after he died in being evicted, left with insufficient income and feeling the unfairness she felt. Her dad probably would not have wanted that but apparently, he never thought it through and neither did FS. Communication to all in the family about who is doing work is critical to avoiding bad outcomes and the injustice of caregiving without any recognition of its dollar value.
The Takeaways
1. Talk it through
If you or any sibling in your family, blended or not, is likely to take on a caregiving role, bring up the subject for discussion with aging parents. Their resources would be used to pay for care if no adult child could assist when the time came. Unspoken expectations about “duty” need to be aired openly.
2. Compensating caregivers
If you or your aging loved ones do not have the resources to meet the high cost of care in a supervised environment like assisted living or a nursing home, open the discussion in the family about a plan to fill that potential caregiving need. Family is typically the source of unpaid caregiving when the elder in need does not go to another living environment. How can the family make that fair to the one who would do the work?
3. Change the estate plan
If the aging parents do not have high income, but their wealth in their paid for home, seek their consent to amend their estate plan to compensate a caregiving family member for the labor of caregiving after the elder passes. Then seek the advice of the parents’ estate planning attorney or your own to ensure that consideration is provided, when possible, for the work the caregiver has done. The aging parents must be competent to change or add to a will and trust. Don’t wait until they have cognitive impairment and could be found incapacitated to make such important decisions. Act at the first sign of physical/cognitive need for help.
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