Millions of older Americans reach the point of needing help in order to remain in their homes. When adult children are involved, and they try to assist, they often meet resistance. It is uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. How do you do this when it comes up for you?
The Conflict
The parent, step-parent, grandparent or other is often a symbol of authority for the adult children. They looked up to, respected, or sometimes feared the elder in question. One’s own emotions get in the way of trying to assume authority, often over finances, whether to get home care, or other needs the elder has. Seeing an older adult in one’s life as no longer a person in authority brings up a variety of issues. Some are unresolved conflicts from the past. Fear of pushback or reprisals emerge. The discomfort is palpable. How do you tell your formerly overbearing Dad that he forgot to pay his bills and you need to help him or the utilities will be cut off? A queasy stomach can accompany your efforts to even bring up the subject.
The Priority
As with any family member who is losing or who has lost independence, safety is the primary issue on which the adult children must focus. They know that. The elder doesn’t. They think they’re fine and don’t need help. Logical explanations don’t work. Loss of independence is terrifying for many elders and they respond however they do out of fear.
A Real Life Example
These are facts from a case we advised on at AgingParents.com, an RN-Attorney, Psychologist consulting team.
A formerly “in charge” woman, 88, whom we’ll call “IC” is physically impaired and has full time caregiving at home. Her memory is shot. She scored as low as one can measure with her short term memory on standardized neuropsychological testing of cognitive ability. Several tests were performed, all with similar results. Yet IC is still the trustee on her own large trust. She has assets to pay for all she needs to be safe and comfortable at home, but she doesn’t understand this. She looks at bank statements and can’t comprehend what they mean. She thinks she has no money. She named her stepson (SS) as her agent on her Durable Power of Attorney document and he is also to be her successor on her trust. But he is fearful of “taking away her authority”.
SS knows that it is time to get to the estate planning lawyer with the record of her memory testing and address the fact that IC no longer has the capacity to make safe financial decisions. She can resign as trustee of her own trust or she can be removed under the terms of the trust itself. Either way, SS has to initiate the action to get it done. And he hesitates. “I’ve always seen her as capable”, he says. “I think she’ll get really angry if I say she shouldn’t handle her own accounts.” He is wrestling with his own emotions and discomfort about confronting IC.
One Solution: Getting Support
SS is a capable person and is devoted to IC. They were always close. He is losing sleep over trying to change roles and be in charge of her when she was historically his only parent. Now he has to parent his own parent? How can he get through this?
Sometimes help from a professional can ease the anxiety. Finding the right words to use makes it feel better. Sometimes talking it over with other family members and enlisting their help in confronting the problem can be useful. There is indeed power in numbers. Acting in concert with siblings you trust, friends the elder trusts, clergy, or a kindly neighbor can all help. But one must reach out and ask for their support. We see a common response in adult children who feel very uncomfortable and tense in the prospect of facing what they have to do and don’t want to do: avoidance. And letting an impaired elder just be at high risk when you know the risk is unfairly dangerous to that elder.
The Worst Choice: Do Nothing
We at AgingParents hear a lot of adult children’s excuses about why they choose to avoid acting in the face of an elder loved one’s known dangerous situation. Maybe the elder has already been ripped off by a financial abuser. Perhaps the unattended aging parent has fallen and narrowly escaped broken bones, more than once. Maybe Mom left the stove on a few times and could have started a fire. Or Dad, with severe memory loss was still driving and caused a bad car accident. We hear: “I don’t want to take away their independence”. I reply, “Independence for what? To lose all their money to a predator? To break a hip? To set the house on fire? To kill someone in a car accident when he should not be driving?” (All of these things have actually happened to others!)
Takeways
1. If you are worried and anxious about confronting your aging loved one with having to take over certain responsibilities for them, know that you are not alone. Millions of families have to face this. People may be living longer these days but not living without a need for help. We can learn from what others do about safety.
2. Recruit trusted others to have the hard conversations with your aging parent. A respectful “intervention” with your allies beside you can ease the anxiety involved when you do this.
3. Get emotional suppor for yourself. The conflicts and pain that come up for you can be eased with the right help to get you through it.
4. Stop making excuses for inaction. The health, financial and physical safety of your impaired and/or disabled aging loved one depends on you taking the responsibility that falls on you.
We wish you courage, that all our elders who need assistance will get what keeps them safer and healthier with the actions you commit to taking.
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